Alone in a hotel room in the middle of what looked like paradise, but felt more like hell at that moment, curled in a fetal position, I sobbed: “Lord, I don’t want this”. I heard a voice inside of me firmly but gently say, “tell it”. The “this” that I didn’t want, and “it” I felt compelled to tell was my impeding divorce and the circumstances that led to it.
Tell my story. Speak my truth. A truth that resonates with so many others, but who because of fear, doubt and denial keep it hidden. I had already begun to speak. For 6 months after discovering my ex-husband’s adulterous affair, during what turned out to be a period of false reconciliation, or as I call it, wreckonciliation, I stayed quiet. But after filing for divorce, I unashamedly told everyone who asked – and quite honestly, many who didn’t – the reason.
My telling prompted so many women around me to open up with their own stories of betrayal. The ones who told me of first marriages that ended due to their husbands cheating; the one who, on Christmas Eve and just days before giving birth to their second child, found out her husband was cheating; the one who walked in on her husband and the nanny half-naked on the couch, and who then convinced her she didn’t really see that, gaslighting her into denying her own reality; the ones who stayed with their husbands after catching them in affairs, but years later still quietly question their husbands’ fidelity; the ones whose siblings and best friends were cheated on; the ones who choose to look away, despite their husbands’ actions showing every indication of cheating.
So. Many. Women. And here I was, one of them, whose marriage looked perfectly fine from the outside, but had (seemingly) suddenly crumbled. But the truth was that it wasn’t sudden at all. Years erosion from the inside, at the foundation, is what caused the marriage to fail. Nobody would have ever guessed.
Everyone seemed to be watching. And while many were watching because nothing keeps people interested like a good train wreck, many were watching because, faced with the same challenges in their own marriages, wanted to see how it all played out for me.
GOD HATES DIVORCE
What’s so divine about divorce? According to Malachi 2:16, God hates divorce. And while divorce is not what God intended when He established marriage (Mark 10:9), and it is not what He desires for us, He does allow it, as we see in Jeremiah 3:8 when adultery is a factor, and Matthew 19:8 because of our “hardness of heart”.
Just for the record, I hate divorce, too. I did not set out to get divorced when I got married. I hate that the man I married didn’t honor his vows. I hate that nearly half of my children’s life is away from me. There’s so much about divorce that I hate. When it’s said that God hates divorce, I believe it means He hates what (often) causes it: adultery, abuse, abandonment, whether it be physical or emotional. Matthew 19:8 states that God allows divorce due to the hardening of men’s hearts, and nothing shows that your heart is hardened against your spouse like committing adultery, abusing them or abandoning them.
But I have a measure of peace about my divorce because I know God rescued me from a marriage that might have otherwise destroyed me and because I know that His grace and restoration are there for me.
The mission of Divinely Divorced Diva is to “tell it”. To share the mess that has become my message: that while God hates divorce, He hates adultery, abuse, and abandonment more. Divinely Divorced Diva is about reassuring women – myself included – that divorce is not the unpardonable sin. That God most certainly doesn’t hate us because we are divorced.
It’s about moving away from unforgiveness and bitterness, and drawing closer to God and letting Him lead us toward healing and restoration, and giving us beauty for the ashes of our disintegrated marriages.
Thank You, Lord, for Your grace.